Because the legal divorce process is so financially driven, judges, commissioners, child support agencies and spouses themselves, need detailed information about the parties’ assets, debts, income and expenses.  Bank and credit card statements, mortgages, promissory notes, and details about monthly expenses and income must be exchanged, and/or given to a judge so that divorce orders and judgments may be entered.

In most cases, gathering financial data required in a divorce or legal separation can be a major pain in the you know what, especially if you, like many of us, did not regularly organize and update your records. The great news is, however, that it is the perfect time for you to get your money matters in order! “Why?”, you ask? Because most banks, credit card companies and brokerage companies offer online, year-end financial statements that can be downloaded directly into your online financial planning system. And better yet, software and credit reporting companies are offering great deals on money management systems that can make your life easier!

For example, you can find great Deals on Quicken Products+ Free Shipping! Two of my clients have convinced me that this is the best way to keep on top of things during divorce, so I’m going to begin using the software for my own personal and professional needs. You can also download a succinct summary of your credit history using Fico Scores/Reports.

If you are on a strict budget (which is a great idea at the moment) you may want to try Free Quicken Online - Quicken Online can send you a text message with your account balances, use our free Money Matter tools, or visit your local library and see if they have any programs available for your use.

And, because it is best to live by example, I am going to download Quicken now and begin making part of my daily rituals.  Good luck! Update: I signed up for the Free Quicken online service for my personal accounts and have already started using it! Fingers crossed that it makes my 2009 money management goals much easier!

This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have legal questions that relate to your specific divorce.

Last year’s words belong to last year’s language And next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning -Eliot

May 2009 be filled with love, kindness and joy.  We look forward to helping you make this year your best year ever.

Alternatively, if you are separated and no where near a divorce settlement, speak with your lawyer and tax adviser about how you and your spouse will handle tax deductions for 2008.

This article is not legal or financial advice. You should seek the advice of a lawyer and tax accountant about your specific divorce and tax issues.

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was greater than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anias Nin

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

**************************************

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

**************************************

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid

**************************************

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Happy Friday!!

*Source: Disorder in the American Courts

This is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have legal questions that relate to your specific divorce.

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Ruth A. Peters, kids will benefit if their parents follow these recommendations:

• “Keep it civil - If there is animosity between ex-spouses, give the kids a break for the holidays (if not forever) and be civil. If relations don’t see eye-to-eye, fake it for the kids — you don’t need to bring up the skeletons in the closet or air the dirty laundry one more time.”
• “Consider and coordinate the gift-giving — cooperation is key - Try to keep it equal if possible. Remember, the holidays are about family, love and some presents — it shouldn’t be a materialistic free-for-all.”
• “Be accommodating with your schedules - Try to be flexible if it really doesn’t harm your own holiday plans, and if the kids voice a desire to visit with both sides of the family.”
• “Follow the rules - Respect the rules and your ex’s time alone with the children. Your time with the kids is your own, and their time with the ex is equally private.”
• “Respect the other parent’s religious practices - If possible, try to take into account your ex’s religious preference, especially if it is different than yours.”
• “Begin your own holiday traditions - Make it different, fun and memorable.”*

Now I know what you’re thinking, but remember, you’re doing these things for your children and their happiness is worth it.

For divorced families, in particular, the holidays represent a time when the loss of family togetherness is brought home by the memories of earlier times (perhaps more glowing in memory than they were in life) and grief at the loss of shared Thanksgiving turkeys, or the opening of gifts, or the annual trek to the grandparent’s house for a gathering of extended family and friends.

Children, particularly, can have mixed emotions as the holidays approach, and they may find themselves looking back and longing for happier times. But disappointment over the lost illusion of fairy tale endings, like our lost belief in Santa Clause, is an inevitable part of growing up. And the antidote for these holiday blues is the same as the cure for blues of all kinds – express the sad feelings, move forward with life, retain the best of the old ways, create new ways to honor ourselves and each other, and celebrate the new sources of joy and aliveness in our lives.

When families cannot celebrate the holidays together – and there are many reasons for this, including the unhealed wounds of divorce – we recommend they make an effort to schedule the holidays so that their children spend time with each parent. This can mean Christmas Eve with Dad and Christmas Day with Mom, alternating nights during Hanukkah, Thanksgiving breakfast with one, and dinner with the other, etc. Sometimes, families weave new family traditions around this arrangement (shifting the gift-giving at one household to Christmas Eve, for instance), while others agree to alternate the “prime” holiday time (Thanksgiving dinner, e.g.) from year to year.

But what about families who CAN celebrate together? Families who successfully navigate the tricky waters of divorce often emerge with harmonious – if not friendly - relationships intact. This opens the possibility of creating new rituals – involving, perhaps, the original family along with new relationships, new friends, and new locations. If it’s done well, these new rituals can retain some of the magic of cherished family traditions, while adding new family members and new traditions to expand the circle. This bigger, more inclusive celebration can buffer any difficulties or submerged conflicts between the ex-spouses, to the benefit of everyone… especially the children.

What are the special pitfalls to watch out for during the holidays? Because holidays can be a time of heightened emotions, look out for the old triggers that may cause conflict between you and your ex-spouse this season. You know what they are - anything from his chronic lateness to a dismissive tone about the activities you’ve planned. Use extra willpower to resist the urge to engage. And don’t ask your children to deliver messages between you. This is stressful for children, especially during the tension-prone holiday periods.

Finally, build on the joy of this season to enrich your relationship with your children. Don’t stint on the “I love you’s”. Energize every moment with the holiday spirit. And err on the side of generosity and self-expression whenever you can.

Russell Collins, MFT and Laura Collins, JD, are a psychotherapist/lawyer co-mediation team specializing in child-friendly divorce. They live and work in Santa Barbara. They can be contacted through their website www.collinsmediation.com, or by email at inquiry@collinsmediation.com.